I used to ask myself, “Why do I always find myself coming back to him? Why couldn’t I let go?”
It’s simply because the depth of connection is so strong. And the feeling is still the same. It seems that the love I gave is still there, willing to be given again because I don’t want to let go of the person I loved and shared my life with for seven years.. But the long years of togetherness is not enough as a reason to hold back anymore. I wonder if it ever was.
There’s no perfect relationship, but I didn’t expect that I was going to be cheated like that. He had cheated on me several times before and I forgave him every time, but this one was the worst and I never expected he could do it to me. I held on tight because I believed my love would lead him to realize his mistakes and change for us to fulfill our dreams (or my dreams) of marriage and having it all. But for the nth time, I was wrong.
No matter how hard I tried to believe that he can change for the future we have envisioned together, he wouldn’t. I couldn’t change him. I hated him, though I couldn’t really hate him because I loved him.
But everything has an end and I have decided that this is the end. It’s not because I have come to love him less, but because I don’t want to hurt anymore. He will never change. I know I’ll be miserable while in the process of letting go and moving on.. But I know this too shall pass.
At the same time, I was the one he chose to let go not because he loved me less, but because he also didn’t want to hurt me anymore. I was the woman he promised to love forever. But he couldn’t do it. The reality convinced me to finally let go.
Walking away was the hardest decision I made so far and probably the hardest thing I’ll ever have to learn. The love I felt for him and the good memories keep flashing back as I move on. I regret throwing them away but I know I’ll regret it more if I stay.
When you know in your heart that he’s not the person, there’s no other option but to let go and move on. You shouldn’t allow yourself to settle with someone you know will only hurt you. Life is short. There’s no room for pain and stress. Allow your life to experience more happiness and success instead of pain and misery as a result of failing to move forward.
Walking away is the start of forgetting everything, the person you’ve known, loved, and imagined being with forever.
I need time to heal and eventually forget the past. I can’t do it if I hold on to his love and promise. It’s better to live a life of uncertain happiness than of certain misery. I may not become happy right away, but this way, I’d feel lighter because I know the worry and pain will fade in time.
It would be hard to fake a smile, eat zestfully, work effectively, and sleep without waking up in the middle of the night hoping to find a text from him. Maybe all I have to do is to wake up everyday, live my life like nothing bad happened, try for my dreams, and look forward to the day when the “one” comes and be happy once again.
It takes opening a door to get to a better place. But sometimes it takes closing one.
[Photo credit: Vantage Holdings]